Disclaimer

BEFORE YOU START: Please note that although I currently volunteer for both the Stroke Association and Age UK, the views expressed in this blog are strictly my own. I am not a spokesperson for either (or, indeed, for any) organisation, and I accept complete responsibility for the views expressed herein. I've tried to use the Glossary to explain any ambiguous terms, but if you think there is anything I've missed, please message me.

Monday, 25 March 2019

Independent Living

It is pre-8am and have already completed what will be the secondmost Helculean task of the day. I've stripped my bed and just put it in the washer. At least, it was pre-8am when I did this - it'll be later when I publish the post. But, anyway, the biggest task will be getting it all back on again later.

 I still sleep in the same double bed that my wife and I used to sleep in. She moved out into a more comfortable bed, she says that I fidget too much in the night, but I'm happy in it. The base sheet is still a double, but everything else is single - purely to deal with the washing scenario. Any bigger sizes are just unmanageable.

I can just about manage the base sheet, by using the frame of the bed as a stepping stone - I've learned to hook it on there to get everything taut, before I tuck each corner under the mattress. I've tried, and failed miserably, with the original double duvets so bought singles. They were easy enough to get off, but I'll swear a lot later trying to get them back on! We saw these gadgets that are just like 6-inch long plastic paper clips, which help get the cover back onto the duvet, just by clipping the corners in place, one by one.

The careful observers amongst you will ask, why doesn't your wife help you? In truth, she offers, but it is important to me that I be able to do this independently, so I refuse. To give an idea of how strongly I feel about this, I'd go without changing bedding altogether if I needed someone's help every time - she thinks I'm mad but people who aren't disabled never understand the importance of independence to somebody who is disabled. It is a bit weird - when we both slept in the double, putting freshly-washed bedding back onto the bed was something we always did as a team effort, without thinking. But now I need to cope on my own. 

You notice the same thing, by the way, on official forms. Even those forms with are designed specifically in order for a disabled person to claim something, they are constructed such that the disabled person often cannot fill them out unaided. Wiltshire Council are terrible for this, just in terms of my personal experience. It does kinda make you wonder because, here I am looking for work, and they have this gaping hole in that they don't understand what makes disabled people tick, despite the fundamental constraint that it is the duty of the council to provide a lot of concessions for disabled people. With my wife I can forgive this because it is a learning process for us both, it is less easy to forgive a council who must deal with disabled people all the time. 

Oh, the other question you might well ask is, will I be putting the washing out to dry afterwards? I'm afraid not, the damp stuff is a bit heavy and I can just about get it into the tumble dryer, in about 3 trips. To carry it outside and manouvre it onto the line (pegging it along the way) defeats me. Trust me I've tried!

Sunday, 24 March 2019

Fatal Deal?

Hearing reports this morning that Theresa May has more chance of getting her EU deal through if it is accompanied by her resignation. That might well be true, but it does make you wonder, why? Is there some sentiment going on here? I'll let you have this one result, as long as it's your last?

It raises an eyebrow because I don't detect sentiment playing any other part in this process.

I mean, it is a shame that we have come to this, but I think the last thing we needed for this process was somebody who "leads from the front", and expects everybody else to follow. Membership of the EU is something that has always been a hot topic, since before I was born. People have long held all sorts of opinions on the issue, and you're not going to be able to browbeat somebody into giving their support.

I think the job required somebody who was able to take all these opposing views and hash out something that would keep most people happy. A negotiator, somebody with a gift for listening to a variety of opinions and coming up with a compromise. I mean, maybe even that wouldn't have been enough? Maybe when you have one side which says "I want to be in" and another side which says "I want to be out" you are doomed to failure?

But as we've learned in the last 3 years, there are degrees of whether you're in our out. If you ultimately leave, say, then how close do you stay to the EU? WTO? Customs Union? And of course, if you choose to stay in.... I mean, Cameron already tried to make membership more palatable to UK voters (or so we were told), unfortunately he didn't succeed or we may never have got into this. I wonder if those people in power in the EU have any regrets that reform never happened, just in terms of keeping its citizens happy (to the point where they don't want to leave)? It's not as if the UK is the only malcontent, just that we've taken it further than anybody else has so far.

So I think whether in or out, there are degrees. I don't buy this analogy that you're either one or the other - in fact the UK has secured various opt-outs over the years (the currency being the main example) which have demonstrated that, to some degree, a country's membership deal can be bespoke.

Getting back to May, therefore, I think if there were one word to remind me of her time, it would be "listen". It's ironic, really, because to me, Corbyn always seemed to want to be a chairman, a moderator, rather than somebody who just says "have faith and follow me". I don't mind that one bit, because you encourage the people around you to be creative rather than just having ideas yourself. But perhaps a moderator was what was required for this process?

Friday, 22 March 2019

Dreamland

After the stroke I spent a lot of time living in a dream world. I mean, I was obviously up and interacting with people, but nothing really felt "real". Very slowly, everything feels a bit more lifelike, although the healing day-by-day has been imperceptible. The funny thing is that t know for sure that there has never been a time when I have felt "out of it", and yet I feel so much more "awake" now.

I put this effect down to the stroke, but quickly observed that other people could feel this effect even having not had a stroke. I met people who'd had had heart attacks or cancer, say. So not just limited to stroke.

The other day, I saw on tv Stephen Lawrence's dad. I think it was his dad, I was only really half-watching. Stephen Lawrence was a black British teenager who was murdered at a bus stop in 1993. It was an infamous event in the UK, purely because it seemed to be motivated purely because the guy was black. Wikipedia has an account - I like Wikipedia because its content tends to err more toward the objective rather than the sensational. If ou prefer more subjective accounts, the story must have been covered many times by every newspaper.

Anyway, my ears pricked up when this chap (being interviewed) used words that were very similar to what I'd felt, "living in a dream" etc. It really was quite spooky.

So it made me wonder about the common thread. This guy described a process following the death that was eerily like what I'd felt following the stroke. So if you're looking for the common ground, I can only assume that it must be no more scientific than the trauma of the experience.

I suppose the other common thing is the aspect of time. I've spent an awful lot of time thinking about the stroke, and presumably. by now, this other chap must have given thousands of interviews about every aspect of his son's death, so presumably he has spent ages being forced to try and articulate his every feeling. And he'll have become better at it over time - we all do. But that process would explain why we're both able to describe our respective experiences, not really why we'd use the same words.

Wednesday, 20 March 2019

Brexit Arguments

I was watching the news the other day and saw some people arguing reall "energetically" about Brexit. These guys were shouting at each other!

It made me think, "what do they hope to gain from this?" Do they really think that there is some golden nugget of information that they can bring to the table which will make the other person see sense? Or, maybe they just want to insult the other person? Do they really think the other person will care what this guy thinks of them?

I mean, I have a firm view on the issue, and that view hasn't wavered, but it was formed long before any referendum campaign, just by weighing up the pros and cons. But I can appreciate that there is a different view which is perfectly valid, held by some other people. One of my best friends once articulated this "other" view to me and, really, I've known this guy for years and one of the reasons we became friends in the first place was because we trust each other's judgement - I certainly wouldn't want to fall out with them just because of this issue, not where there is 90% agreement anyway (all except the final conclusion).

And when you look at what causes different views, it is all a question of priorities. Both Labour and Tory want to work towards the same thing - prosperity - but Labour feel we'll get there by prioritising X over Y, and the Tories Y over X. I don't think you can really read anything more into it than that. Just as I formed my view on Brexit according to my priorities, so they come to their view according to theirs'. The people who don't agree with us are not necessarily malevolents or idiots, just people who broadly want the same thing, but who believe it is more achievable by another means - I remember Dennis Skinner saying in his autobiography that he didn't like even to speak to Tories, and that made me quite disappointed, especially as he is in a position where his job must entail trying to make progress alongside people who don't see eye-to-eye. On many things I'd probably go along with the guy, but not on this.

Brexit is merely A.N. Other issue which follows that pattern. It does worry me how much harm this single issue is doing to our other politics - will there ever be a day that these two people, shouting at each other, can be united on an issue without letting Brexit get in the way?

Insulin

One of those funny mornings this morning. Was taking my insulin as usual, but when I stabbed myself, it was really painful. It can get like that sometimes, I think where there must be a tiny bruise from a previous injection. It used to happen more in the early days for various reasons, I assume that was because of my unfamiliarity with the gear and the process. So I withdrew the needle a tiny bit to make it more comfortable.

I pushed the plunger down as normal, but when I withdrew a few drops on insulin spilled out onto the floor. I normally shake the pen after use, precisely to see if any drops come out, and normally it is clear.

So I'm left wondering, "did I get all/any/none of my dose?" I assumed not, but to be cautious I injected myself again, properly, with another half dose. So, today I'm anywhere between ½ dose to 1½ doses. If the former, I was fortunate that my sugar was quite low this morning so it shouldn't be too bad, if the latter I'll have to be prepared for a hypo, and maybe this'll be my last post? Literally. I'll need to be very careful what I eat today, and to measure myself again tonight to get a fix for this evening's dose. I kinda concluded that it is my sugar over time that is the important thing, rather than its spot value, although of course when the spot values are all high, that spells trouble.

Friday, 15 March 2019

Further Job Woes

It's interesting, I was speaking to an agent this morning about a role, and they said the fatal: "your CV looks really good. Can you rewrite it?" (Spot the contradiction!) And I'm just left thinking "noooooo".

This is a CV that  led to working with a number of London banks. Plus, I've invested quite a bit of money into it, having it rewritten a few years ago by a professional CV writer. I'm supposed to forget that in favour of a comment from somebody I just met.

In particular I'm very careful to try and keep it to two pages, not on a whim, but because that's roughly somebody's attention span. Sad but true. The CV writer's advice was also to "keep it to the last five years" - in fact I go back over 15 years, just because the roles (I think) were so prestigious, people are impressed when they see who the clients have been. Of course, I have to be incredibly brief in what I say about each role (fortunately one of them lasted 10 years, but within that role, I obviously accomplished a lot) because space is at such a premium.

Bearing in mind that I've been dealing with agents for many years, this is something I get from time-to-time. I mean, if you hear it every time you sent your CV off somewhere, then, fair enough, there's probably something wrong with the CV, but if every agent asks you to rewrite the CV to highlight such-and-such, where such-and-such is different each time, and also a feature of this particular role... What the agent wants is something which is bespoke for every role you apply for, so it kinda negates the advantage of maintaining a CV in the first place. And as we get older, a CV inevitably throws up choices of what to say and what to leave out, so when an agent wants us to rewrite our CV, it is basically somebody telling us that we have poor judgement. I'm sure many people are very successful in what they do, and can demonstrate many years of sound judgement.

The role itself is for a government agency. I happened to mention that I had once worked for the government. "I didn't see that on your CV". No, because it was 1989-94. 25 years ago. Let's be practical here. How detailed do you want a CV to be? I wouldn't mind but if someone was interested in what I was doing 25 years ago, I keep a fully detailed employment history online, on one of the jobs boards, which goes back right to the start, and quote that link in the CV.

The icing on the cake was that, because I don't have the exact skills that they're looking for, they said up-front that they'd only pay the minimum rate on offer, until I'd successfully "retrained". Forget that I've got oodles of experience doing something very similar, and would most probably be able to add value on Day #1 - that's not worth anything to them. It was interesting too that they said this up front - if I'd have been hiring, that might well have been reflected in any offer made to a successful candidate, but I wouldn't have said anything directly to them, certainly ot at this stage. I mean, I'm quite lucky in that I'm not particularly looking for big bucks nowadays, but the conversation left me feeling unconvinced that the client acknowledged that I had any relevant experience at all. I can accept that there might be some financial penalty for not being exactly what the clients are looking for, but I can't help but feel that something would be going to waste if the previous 25 years were regarded as worthless. If I wanted my previous experience to be irrelevant, there are  jobs that come up every day in Salisbury which would be a far easier commute.

It makes me smile a bit because, just as I am constraining my search to the Salisbury area, they too are governed by geography. I know from experience that there are not many IT roles around here, I therefore assume that the converse is true - there aren't a lot of people locally looking for IT work. Especially when the role is essentially civil service and therefore poorly paid (the salary on offer happens to be what I was earning in 1995, the exact same number, not even including inflation, so the role wouldn't have been attractive to me unless I were constrained as I am). So just as I'm trying to be flexible in looking at jobs that are not quite 100% matches, I think they're going to have to be flexible too, whether looking at me or the next person, or run the risk of not finding anybody.

Overall, I think, a pity because I am at a stage in life where working in the client's area would be more attractive than earning lots of money. I should be exactly the kind of person they're looking for.

Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Unemployable

Oh god, I've just realised that, since the stroke, I am now unemployable!

Prior to the stroke, I did well enough to sell my services to clients up in London. I was well-paid, and was never out of work.

Since the stroke, I'm far less keen on travelling, and in the 6+ months that I've been looking locally, I've hardly seen any jobs which are even vaguely appropriate.

I was optimistic, therefore, when an IT Lecturer job came up at the local college. I mean, I've no experience of teaching save for mentoring junior colleagues, but I figured that I had nothing to lose - my CV is an accurate reflection of what I've done, so it was up to the college to decide whether they were appropriate or not.

I was happier still this morning, when I got an email inviting me for interview. I accepted, but never really got the chance to look through all the attachments until this evening. It turns out that they want me to prepare something for the interview which they call a microteach. I'm guessing that's some kind of presentation, but I've realised that I have no clue what to pitch at a 17yo. How much do they already know? How deep do I go? The term "micro-teach" is a foreign language, basically, and I have no clue how to go about planning a whole 90-minute session (which is, presumably, the CFE-equivalent of a lecture).

So I'm left knowing that I can't let my application progress. I've got 25 years' experience in IT, but micro-Teach tells me that I'm totally unsuited to any form of teaching. And, given that I've seen so very few jobs so far, I don't think I'll be employable again unless/until I'm able to travel back up to London again.